My Little Patch of Earth

We planted several Poplar trees in our backyard a few years ago. All were the same size when planted, however one is obviously doing better than the one directly next to it. It has had us baffled for some time why that might be. They are both in southern sunlight every day. Each gets watered evenly with automatic sprinklers. We make sure to keep our children from hanging on the young branches or snapping them off for swords or snowmen arms. So why would one grow and change more than its neighbor?

I have been thinking about this even more as the leaves on our trees begin to change into a brilliant yellow; they catch me looking on as they make their decent on to my little patch of earth below. Today my three year-old asked me to hold him up to the kitchen window so he could point to the trees. We discussed all the changes they are making and he pointed out that there is no sun today to feed the trees. This little talk took me back to just yesterday, when the sun was stunningly bright and I was taking advantage of the energy burst I got from it; bustling around the house, happily ignoring the ordinariness of my yard. My brain replayed a typical day for our Poplars. I closed my eyes and envisioned the changing sky, the distinct sound the wind makes through a Poplar's leaves and the speed of the sun making its way across my southern windows.

In my mind's eye I see the tree on the most eastern side of our lawn getting hit by sunlight first every day, and for the longest part of the day, while its partner, just 10 feet to the west is shaded by the eastern tree's shadow until well past noon. Both are exposed to the same sun, however one takes the brunt of the delicious rays and the other hastily absorbs all it can before the sun retires its arch on the other end of the earth.

I opened my eyes to the gloomy day outside and looked out once more at my patch of earth. Lately, I have felt like the smaller tree. My brain and body log on to social media to reach up and out for all the deliciousness there is to this life, but my heart absorbs all the negativity and politics which overshadows my ability to see the good in people, people whom I have loved and respected. The good, wonderful people I know in the real world have been reduced to angry political posts and arguments that bring out the worst, not the Christ. Anything said, shared, or disagreed with automatically becomes a vote for the "other side" and friends forget the human being on the other side of their screen.

I have been afraid, yes afraid, to post anything recently, because of the backlash that one gets for being on one 'side' or the 'other.' On a back-lit 2"x 4" screen, it's easy to forget who I am and the me you know. A screen reduces me from God-created flesh and blood down to words, articles, and memes. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to yell, defend, and rant and it's easy to tack on an half-hearted apology at the end, to cover your tracks. Over and over I look out over my feed and rarely do I see the sunlight that used to shine from the lives of my friends. Now that light has to seep through the murkiness of this politically changing climate, and my heart basks in the tiny beams, knowing that good is still alive out there.

My heart clings to the last bits of rays that I feel at the end of each day when my husband comes home from work, when my children come home from school, when my babies want one more kiss and hug, and as we pray the rosary before bedtime. Those last rays of unplugged deliciousness that I cannot seem to find during the online day. And yet tomorrow morning I will log on again. My brain will have rested, my heart will reach up and out once more, waiting...waiting for the those last rays of the day and season, before everything goes dormant for the winter, until this political nightmare has reached its intended end. Yes, I can log off of social media until after the election. Yes, I can ignore how my friends have changed. But why? Do you want to be ignored?

Let me ask you this: Is what you say and do on social media the kind of persona you want to continue after November 8th? What will be the collateral damage of this election? Will friendships still be in tact? Will relationships that we were so thrilled to have rekindled after so many lost years, thanks to social media, be a heaping pile of dust and angry tears when this is all said and done? Will there be blaming, more name calling, and finger wagging and "I told you so"'s from everyone and anyone will has a finger to shake?

With so much pain and negativity in our culture, how can we grow and thrive? With the days getting shorter, the nights getting longer, the cold setting in, how can we prevent our hearts from going dormant along with the trees?

My answer is this. Like that thinner, barer tree, imperfect tree, I will reach up and stretch out. I will strive to reach and absorb the Light of the one who chases away the darkness, the one who's beam of mercy and love fills my heart to overflowing. I will allow myself to be so full of that Light that any shadow around me will turn away from the brilliance of He who shines through me. Only the true King is worthy of so much fuss, so much praise, so much defending, attention, and honor from the all peoples. My King is not here on earth, but my little patch of earth is where I will wait for Him. I will find His Light wherever I can, even on social media.

Shoes

A little boy's shoes are an amazing thing. As he grows he leaves behind tattered, holey, adventure-ridden baby shoes. When he tries on the new, cleaner, bigger pair, he steps into his future and all the wonder and hope that lies within. Oh the places he will go, the bad guys he will defeat, the times he will travel to, the memories he will make. Each step is one that walks away from me, toward the man he will become. My heart will ache as I watch those heals do new, powerful things, and oh, the heights it will reach when they spin around and run back into my arms.

Remain Here

Jesus went before us to prepare the way to Heaven. He instructed his disciples, to "remain here and keep watch" while He prayed and begged His Father to let the trial of the cross pass by Him. We are disciples of Christ and as such He instructs us to remain here and keep watch for His next coming, so He can take us home with Him.

Waiting is hard, just ask my four year old daughter. We try not to tell her something is coming up until it is almost here. Otherwise we are inundated for weeks with, "When is Grammy going to be here?" and "Is Grammy here yeeeeeeeeet?!" and "When are you leaving so Grammy can get here?" She gets it from me, of course. I get snarky and short tempered when I don't get enough sleep, when I'm hungry, and when I haven't had enough hugs. I can't blame the poor thing for her genes.

When the disciples were told to "remain here and keep watch with me" they got bored and fell asleep! I would have done the same thing! I know it is mommy sacrilege to complain about my mommyhood, but what about when my butt falls asleep because I've been sitting on the floor all day, while my 7 month old figures out the mechanics of crawling? I find myself scrolling on Facebook instead of paying attention to all the little details about this experience. Isn't Christ in this baby girl that I created? Can't I remain here with her while she learns and explores this world for the first time? What about when my son is trying to tell me ALL about the details of the make believe world he has created and I find myself cleaning the counters and doing the dishes while he pours all his creativity out on me, even if it is for the thousandth time? Can't I remain in this moment in time and keep watch while my son becomes a man in front of my eyes?

What about when only part of me cuddles with my children during their PBS show, the other part of me is too busy updating my calorie app and checking Facebook, again. I lead an incredibly busy life and my attention span is minuscule! How can I blame the disciples for falling asleep while sitting around, waiting for Jesus to pray? And yet Jesus scolded them. Of course he forgave them and gave them a second chance and you know what they did? They fell asleep, again! How many chances will He give me? How many chances will my children give me?

Sometimes I pester God in my prayers, "Lord, when will you show me your plan? When will you answer this prayer?" I sound a bit like my daughter.  

However, I scold my kids when they aren't paying attention to me and I have had to repeat myself over and over; my patience is on the edge. So am I being like Jesus? Or am I being like the disciples by demonstrating an inability to focus on the things that matter? If that's the case, then my children have no choice but to follow suit. Luckily, God doesn't scold me when I pester Him. He looks at me with patience and love. He asks me to trust His plan and to keep watch while His Will unfolds, so that I don't miss the splendor He wants to reveal to me.

I know from personal experience that there might not be a tomorrow with those I love. So this morning, getting my kids ready for school, brushing their hair, packing their back packs, gathering this laundry, changing this diaper, making this breakfast, picking up these toys, this might be my last chance. This is my last chance for these exact moments and, Lord knows that, like the disciples, I am a work in progress. However, I have something in my mommy tool box that the disciples probably didn't have that night that Christ asked them to keep watch with Him. Coffee.

Mommy Bragging Moment!

I spent my morning gathering everything an 8 year old would need to go hunting with his grandparents. I watched him play with his baby sister on the floor and chase his 2 year old brother around the house. We waved the next two oldest boys off to school and their goodbyes to him were full of emotion. Then he curled up on the couch with his 4 year old sister and read to her from the library book he got just for her.

I feel so incredibly honored to be this child's mother! I heard him say, "Yes Ma'am." to his grandmother and I wanted to cry! He IS paying attention!! Thank you, God!

As they drive away and the naked two year old is waving long after they are out of sight, reality sinks in...my biggest helper is gone for four days! Whatever will I do without him?! Come home soon!

Mirror, Mirror

I've had several lovely people lately tell me I look great and I am so grateful for their kind words! They ask me what I'm doing differently and so I thought I'd share what I've been up to.

I've lost 11 pounds. Yep, 11! That may not sound like a lot to you, but it has gotten me back to where I was when I got married and before I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. Wahoo! I'm a tantalizing 4 pounds away from being under 200 for the first time in many, many years, but I know I can get there. I still have 30-50 more pounds to go, depending on how serious I want to take this. That's still up for debate. Want to know my secret for my AMAZING 11 pound success? Okay, yes I do the whole calorie counting thing and no, I have not started exercising--yet. While these are essential to long term health and success, I actually did something that had a more immediate effect on my outlook on life. I went shopping!

Big flippin' deal, right? WRONG! I hate shopping. Like, really hate it. I am a weird non-girly-girl when it comes to shopping. I like to HAVE lots of clothes and shoes, but I despise actually picking them out. Why? Because usually they don't fit. Nothing fits. I am 5'9" and 203 pounds. I'm fairly well proportioned, but I have a healthy booty and a 6-baby-belly-gut. For some reason apparel designers do not believe tall women can be bottom heavy, I don't know why. What I do know is that it has taken me 10 years to find a pair of pants that fit like a dream. And when you find pants after having looked as long and depressingly as I have, you want to BUY ALL THE PANTS! But you restrain yourself and only purchase 2, because they are expensive and you want to keep losing weight, and will presumably be buying more sooner or later.

Also, I do not like spending money on myself. We are a one income family of 8 and mommy does not need to be spending a bunch of time away from the family to go to 13 different stores looking for clothes just to come home angry and exhausted. We have better things to spend our money on, right? But what about how unhappy I am with how I look and feel? Those feelings seep into my mood and my ability to take good care of my family. Sure, I would love to go to the gym every day and maybe someday that will happen, but my current season of life is not condusive to it.  Of course, money cannot buy happiness, but a pound of chocolate a day doesn't either. So what's a girl to do?

About two months ago, I had the crazy notion that summer was coming to an end and it was about to be pants wather. Silly me! Regardless, I went through my closet to find my pants and I couldn't find a single pair of non-maternity pants or bras, anywhere. The ONE pair of pants I was wearing had wholes in unseamly places and I knew they wouldn't last much longer. I also didn't realize it at the time, or more accurately I chose not to think about, but I was wearing clothes that didn't fit me. They were TOO BIG! What a great problem to have, right?! Well honestly, wearing clothes that were too big just made me feel frumpy and unattractive. I didn't like looking in the mirror because even with my 'nice' clothes on, I still looked big. I would lose a few pounds and I couldn't tell because my clothes were already baggy to begin with, so I would go back to eating crazy amounts of chocolate and cry because I gained those few pounds back. I was the steriotyical stay at home mom in yoga pants, covered in spit up and rice crackers. And I was extremely unhappy.

So when I went shopping at my store and they were out of my size pants, I nearly cried. But instead, I grabbed a pair a size smaller, just to see how far away I was from actually fitting into them. I sat down in the dressing room and put one leg in and, to my surprise, they didn't get stuck at the knee! I slipped them all the way on, I stood up and prepared to suck in my gut, but didn't have to. They were comfortable everywhere, no pouching on the back side and no muffin top! HALLELUJAH! I looked great and I was glowing! I had a bra fitting next and the gal said I was a cup size smaller than I thought I was. I said, "yeah right, I've had 6 babies in 8 years, there is no way I'm SMALLER than I was before." And, again, to my surprise, I tried it on and, wait for it...I looked fabulous! No more readjusting all day long, pouching out the sides or porn star cleavage!

After these essentials were found, I was feeling really brave and decided to try my favorite store from college. I have always walked passed it quickly in the mall, because frankly I just can't stand to look in and see stuff I can't have. It's like a fudge shop. Just keep walking. But this time, I took a chance. I gave myself a budget and worked the super sweet Labor Day sales to my advantage and I managed to get a new set of tops that actually fit me (there are even some medium sizes in there!!). I walked out tall and smiling!

I am doing my hair and make-up almost everyday (if you know me, you know this is a BIG deal!), because I just want to feel good! It used to be a joke with my girlfriends that if someone told me I looked good or well rested, it was usually beause I was actually wearing make up that day, But now, I like seeing myself in the mirror now because before all I saw was a frumpy, fat, mom who wanted to hide away in her house and couldn't stop eating chocolate (I don't know what you see in your mirror, but mine is incredibly unfriendly sometimes). Now, I see an attractive, confident daughter of God who has the ability to make someone else's day brighter.

My new clothes feel better and better the more weight I lose and I know that when they start feeling baggy, it's time to search for new ones and pass on these good clothes to those who may need to smile. My new clothes didn't take away my stretch marks, or chicken wing arms, or keep my thighs from rubbing together. But all those things are beautifully packaged and I thank God for the extra little bit of money he sent our way so I could do something nice for myself. And you know what? My inner-happiness has lead to greater family happiness, because when mommy is happy, EVERYONE is happy! I'm not saying you have to throw out everything and spend a fortune or go into debt in order to be happy. Vanity is certainly not the goal, but don't sell yourself short, mama. Take the time you need for yourself and let God shine through your confidence and self worth. Even though my clothes are still covered in spit-up and rice crackers, I actually look forward to getting showered and dressed every day. I still enjoy my yoga pants, but they are luxieries to be earned after a good long day, instead of standard uniform.

My Backstory

My Testimony for Young Adult Conference 2015

I have always felt completely unworthy of God’s love. I don’t really know anyone who does, but this feeling of unworthiness has always been prominent in my prayers and daily life.

The first person I ever met that made me feel truly worthy of their time and love, was Joey. We met in Youth Group, dated in high school and after we both graduated, we got married and immediately moved to Portland for Joey to go to culinary school. We worked long days, 7 days a week, barely saw each other and never went to mass. After 7 months of marriage, we knew something wasn't right and decided to make church a priority again. We wanted to save money so we could start a family, so we packed up all our belongings and moved into Joey’s uncle’s basement.  We spent our first Valentine’s Day at the movies seeing 50 First Dates. On our way home from the theater, we were in a car accident and my almost 19 year old husband died next to me. I knew I needed to pray at that moment, but all I could remember was, “Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary full of Grace…” that was it. I had a vision of Mary and Joseph standing outside Joey’s car door waiting for him. I will never forget that.

                I immediately moved back to Boise and in with my family. The amazing thing was that I didn’t have to pack any of our stuff. It was already packed up from our recent move, which made the transition into my new life seamless and I thank God for His foresight in preparing me in this way. But of course my heart ached, it cried out in despair and part of me just wanted to die, too, rather than try to figure out what on earth God had in store for me, alone. We had just dedicated our lives back to Him and this is how He repaid us? In my grieving mind, His plans for me could be nothing good and once again felt unworthy of His love.

                The Wednesday after the accident was Ash Wednesday. I attended mass with Joey’s family and while walking up to receive communion, I heard Joey whisper in my ear that I needed to receive Eucharist every day during Lent.

Also at this time, my mother helped lead the music for the Catholic student center at Boise State and she begged me to give the St Paul’s community a try. So on St. Patrick’s Day of 2004 I walked into the student center and attended mass. Afterward I sat in the lobby and talked to anyone who wanted to listen. I laughed for the first time in a long time. I came back every day during Lent to receive the Eucharist. These people became my best friends and I still consider them some of the best people I have ever met. Eucharist and community saved my soul.

I started school that fall, still in search of where my life was headed.I desperately missed being married and I mourned the life and the family I felt I would never have. In the spring of 2005, I was tired of being angry at God and I dedicated myself to hearing God’s voice in my life. I wanted HIM to guide me and I wanted to surrender control. In June of that year I went to Fr. Justin Brady’s ordination and a couple of days later to his ordination party. There, I met a guy. And, remember I had just dedicated myself to GOD, so I ignored the guy. However, the next day I went to a wedding at my home parish and the guy was there, too! He invited me to sit with him at the reception and I reluctantly accepted. After learning that I had been married before, he said he was sorry for my loss, but looked relieved (later I learned that his look of relief was due to the fact that I was not currently married). Lucas was the first person I had met in the previous year and half that did not look at me with pity. Not only that, be he made me feel like I was worth everything. I got up to leave 3 different times during that reception. I even got in my car, drove around and re-parked it in a different spot, but each time, I couldn’t shake the feeling like I needed to go back in. What did I have to lose? Maybe God was trying to tell me something. Lucas asked me to dance all night long and when I left, my good friend asked me if I would be seeing him again. I told her no, that he lived far away and he just ‘wasn’t my type.’ Which is exactly right. He the type that GOD wanted for me, and it took me a while to surrender and say yes to His Will for my life. Even if that meant saying yes to someone I didn’t immediately see myself with. God knew that Lucas was my future.  If only I could find the courage to say Yes.

Our first 9 years of marriage has followed in the footsteps of its beginning. All along the way we could see God’s hand in our lives, and while we weren’t completely sure where it was leading us, we knew we needed to keep saying YES. That Yes lead me into formal Youth Ministry and to our 6 gorgeous children. It lead us through a whirlwind stint in Kansas where we discovered that God was giving us the time we didn’t know we needed to get to know each other deeper, to become the couple and the parents that He wants us to be, without outside influences. We searched long and hard for ways to come back to Idaho. Specifically we wanted to come to Boise. Here we had my friends, my family, my church, and my communities. But God was looking out for and He did what was best for our family, not just what was best for me. He finally opened the door to north Idaho, to a teaching position at a fantastic college, where Lucas has been able to thrive, truly fall in love with teaching and is bringing Christ to college students. We literally walked into the best possible community for us in North Idaho. To people who have loved and accepted us from the first minute they met us. They have become my saving grace on a daily basis.

My favorite part of the new translation of the Mass is when we say, “LORD! I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word, and my SOUL shall be healed!” As a mother, my immediate next thought is a phrase on a meme that sweeps around the internet from time to time that jokes, “Patience is what parents have when others are watching.” As I walk up to communion my thoughts always fall to, ‘Oh Lord, how many times have I lost it with my kids, with my husband, or even with myself and made myself so completely unworthy that the Creator of the universe should reside in my home, let alone enter it?’ But, He is there, He is watching. How many times has He forgiven me of these unworthy acts and how many times has He breathed into my soul the life-giving forgiveness that His Son Jesus calls me worthy of?

I truly believe Lucas was Heaven sent. And I have fallen deeper in love with my husband than I thought possible, because of that first Yes to God, when it would have been easier to say No. I fall in Love with God every time I look at Lucas and at our six children. I fall more deeply in love with my Creator who, before time, knew the pain and sorrow that I would experience. He knew the very point at which I could turn away from Him. He did not abandon me. He sent his Holy Spirit to surround me with grace, and He sent his Son to die for me on the Cross, to take away my eternal pain. He continues to save me through my community, and He continues to save me through my husband and my family. Through the Eucharist I am forgiven and my soul is healed, and I bring Him into my home. I spend my days desperately trying to give Glory to my God who has always, and will always take care of me, His worthy daughter.

My prayer for you is that you open your heart to God’s Will in your life and that you say Yes to all that God has to offer you. Amen.