My Backstory

My Testimony for Young Adult Conference 2015

I have always felt completely unworthy of God’s love. I don’t really know anyone who does, but this feeling of unworthiness has always been prominent in my prayers and daily life.

The first person I ever met that made me feel truly worthy of their time and love, was Joey. We met in Youth Group, dated in high school and after we both graduated, we got married and immediately moved to Portland for Joey to go to culinary school. We worked long days, 7 days a week, barely saw each other and never went to mass. After 7 months of marriage, we knew something wasn't right and decided to make church a priority again. We wanted to save money so we could start a family, so we packed up all our belongings and moved into Joey’s uncle’s basement.  We spent our first Valentine’s Day at the movies seeing 50 First Dates. On our way home from the theater, we were in a car accident and my almost 19 year old husband died next to me. I knew I needed to pray at that moment, but all I could remember was, “Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary full of Grace…” that was it. I had a vision of Mary and Joseph standing outside Joey’s car door waiting for him. I will never forget that.

                I immediately moved back to Boise and in with my family. The amazing thing was that I didn’t have to pack any of our stuff. It was already packed up from our recent move, which made the transition into my new life seamless and I thank God for His foresight in preparing me in this way. But of course my heart ached, it cried out in despair and part of me just wanted to die, too, rather than try to figure out what on earth God had in store for me, alone. We had just dedicated our lives back to Him and this is how He repaid us? In my grieving mind, His plans for me could be nothing good and once again felt unworthy of His love.

                The Wednesday after the accident was Ash Wednesday. I attended mass with Joey’s family and while walking up to receive communion, I heard Joey whisper in my ear that I needed to receive Eucharist every day during Lent.

Also at this time, my mother helped lead the music for the Catholic student center at Boise State and she begged me to give the St Paul’s community a try. So on St. Patrick’s Day of 2004 I walked into the student center and attended mass. Afterward I sat in the lobby and talked to anyone who wanted to listen. I laughed for the first time in a long time. I came back every day during Lent to receive the Eucharist. These people became my best friends and I still consider them some of the best people I have ever met. Eucharist and community saved my soul.

I started school that fall, still in search of where my life was headed.I desperately missed being married and I mourned the life and the family I felt I would never have. In the spring of 2005, I was tired of being angry at God and I dedicated myself to hearing God’s voice in my life. I wanted HIM to guide me and I wanted to surrender control. In June of that year I went to Fr. Justin Brady’s ordination and a couple of days later to his ordination party. There, I met a guy. And, remember I had just dedicated myself to GOD, so I ignored the guy. However, the next day I went to a wedding at my home parish and the guy was there, too! He invited me to sit with him at the reception and I reluctantly accepted. After learning that I had been married before, he said he was sorry for my loss, but looked relieved (later I learned that his look of relief was due to the fact that I was not currently married). Lucas was the first person I had met in the previous year and half that did not look at me with pity. Not only that, be he made me feel like I was worth everything. I got up to leave 3 different times during that reception. I even got in my car, drove around and re-parked it in a different spot, but each time, I couldn’t shake the feeling like I needed to go back in. What did I have to lose? Maybe God was trying to tell me something. Lucas asked me to dance all night long and when I left, my good friend asked me if I would be seeing him again. I told her no, that he lived far away and he just ‘wasn’t my type.’ Which is exactly right. He the type that GOD wanted for me, and it took me a while to surrender and say yes to His Will for my life. Even if that meant saying yes to someone I didn’t immediately see myself with. God knew that Lucas was my future.  If only I could find the courage to say Yes.

Our first 9 years of marriage has followed in the footsteps of its beginning. All along the way we could see God’s hand in our lives, and while we weren’t completely sure where it was leading us, we knew we needed to keep saying YES. That Yes lead me into formal Youth Ministry and to our 6 gorgeous children. It lead us through a whirlwind stint in Kansas where we discovered that God was giving us the time we didn’t know we needed to get to know each other deeper, to become the couple and the parents that He wants us to be, without outside influences. We searched long and hard for ways to come back to Idaho. Specifically we wanted to come to Boise. Here we had my friends, my family, my church, and my communities. But God was looking out for and He did what was best for our family, not just what was best for me. He finally opened the door to north Idaho, to a teaching position at a fantastic college, where Lucas has been able to thrive, truly fall in love with teaching and is bringing Christ to college students. We literally walked into the best possible community for us in North Idaho. To people who have loved and accepted us from the first minute they met us. They have become my saving grace on a daily basis.

My favorite part of the new translation of the Mass is when we say, “LORD! I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word, and my SOUL shall be healed!” As a mother, my immediate next thought is a phrase on a meme that sweeps around the internet from time to time that jokes, “Patience is what parents have when others are watching.” As I walk up to communion my thoughts always fall to, ‘Oh Lord, how many times have I lost it with my kids, with my husband, or even with myself and made myself so completely unworthy that the Creator of the universe should reside in my home, let alone enter it?’ But, He is there, He is watching. How many times has He forgiven me of these unworthy acts and how many times has He breathed into my soul the life-giving forgiveness that His Son Jesus calls me worthy of?

I truly believe Lucas was Heaven sent. And I have fallen deeper in love with my husband than I thought possible, because of that first Yes to God, when it would have been easier to say No. I fall in Love with God every time I look at Lucas and at our six children. I fall more deeply in love with my Creator who, before time, knew the pain and sorrow that I would experience. He knew the very point at which I could turn away from Him. He did not abandon me. He sent his Holy Spirit to surround me with grace, and He sent his Son to die for me on the Cross, to take away my eternal pain. He continues to save me through my community, and He continues to save me through my husband and my family. Through the Eucharist I am forgiven and my soul is healed, and I bring Him into my home. I spend my days desperately trying to give Glory to my God who has always, and will always take care of me, His worthy daughter.

My prayer for you is that you open your heart to God’s Will in your life and that you say Yes to all that God has to offer you. Amen.